She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
