youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
