There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
