Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
