when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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