OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
