I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
what the fuck happened to the tacos
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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