You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She told me I should be a condom model.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
