I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
