We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
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