I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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