Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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