I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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