I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
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This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
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My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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