The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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