Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
