Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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