i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
