I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
