Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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