Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
