lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
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She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
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I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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