3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
