I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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