My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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