I want to have your abortion
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
