watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
