I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
