Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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