You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
