I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
