Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
