No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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