i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
