You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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