tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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