i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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