Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
