He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
