I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
