so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
