My nipple is on Facebook.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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