don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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