I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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