A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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