good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
