finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
