i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
