I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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