youre lurking in front of me
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
