Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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