Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
