this beer tastes like vomit already
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
