So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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