Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
