Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
