Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
