girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
